I love my belly!!

So we had to do a project for my swedish massage about what are bellys mean to us! I decided to write a letter to my belly showing the kind of relationship we have! I decided to share it with my avid followers...hahaha! I suppose i could have just sent it to you directly amy..haha!!
Anyways this is my shout out to my belly, this post is for you!!! Thanks for all the great work!
*******************************
Dear Belly,
Well can you believe it’s going to be our 25th anniversary next year! WOW!

I

t sure has gone by fast, huh? You have been with me through thick and thin—no pun intended I just wanted to write you a letter to remind you of all the times we had together and to thank you for everything you’ve done for me!

We started off our journey in sunny California!!! Ahh..remember going to the beach and not being afraid to be naked or wear that purple swimsuit with bunnies on it!

Those were the days, weren’t they! Although I am guessing you weren’t too fond when people would blow on you to make that weird noise…adults always thought it was so cute. Or they thought it was so funny to tickle you, I did my best at telling them to stop..there is just so many times that they actually believed that I was going to pee my pants!:) We then spent the next 10 years in pure bliss! We could eat what we wanted and didn’t care what we looked like!! So free-ing!

However that didn’t last for long, somewhere along the line, I started to think I wanted to have a different belly in my life. One that was smaller, and more attractive! I started to treat you like crap, I would give you food, then take it away from you! Then sometimes I wouldn’t feed you at all and told you that you were ugly and you didn’t deserve love! I am so sorry that I allowed myself to do this to you for 5 years!! Especially since the next couple of years I wasn’t too good to you either!

Ahh yes--We can’t forget the college years!! I started to let you have food again; we were getting back on track! Although I got on the wrong track…yep we then boarded the BOOZE TRAIN! The next few years, consisted of many stops at Beertown, Whiskeyville and the ever so famous Tequila City! You have to admit though, we did have some pretty fun times…the pictures said we did!!
One of the trips to Tequila City!! What a great trip!! --the eyes have been blacked out to protect all individuals involved:)

BTW—Sorry that the girls made me flash you to everyone, they were just so excited that we were on Long Tea Island! I do have to give you a lot of credit though; you handled my liquid “shopping” trips pretty well! Except for the few times you visited with the Porcelain God about my ‘shopping’ problem!

Anyhow, we have learned to get along much better since then!! I have even treated you to the pseudo beach- so you can get a nice tan! However due to negative statistics, our options are now limited to spray on beach glow, and since Oompa Loompa orange only looks good on some people!I suppose it is about time we embrace our pale Norwegian genetics!

After that recap of our years together, it made me realize how much you mean to me! You did and will continue do so many things for me that I will most likely forget to thank you. So right now I would like to take the time to do that. I want to thank you for loving me even when I didn’t, thank you for holding/protecting my organs, thank you for helping me make decisions and thank you for not killing me for the times I made bad decisions!:) Cause one day you will hold and protect and future babies and that I could not ever thank you enough for!

So with that, I just want you to know that you have been the best belly a girl could ask for!! I can only imagine what we will talk about at our 50th anniversary!!!

Love always, J

Ps—thanks for sucking it in when I feel the need to wear my tight pants!! I appreciate it!!

well my massive debt has a first name..its O-S-H-I-T!

so its official my debt has surpassed $37,000!!!
Yep 24 years old and only $1479.98 to my name..however since i have $37000 against my name..i figure i am still not in the clear.
AHH CRAP!!
anywhoosers...i suppose all those future trips are postponed for a while...Sorry Amy!!

well i suppose i should get going...got to figure out ways to make money legally and morally sound:)

Peace out!!

(i hope everyone enjoyed my slight case of sarcasam..i know i did..ha)

"I shall just give up."

Trying to make things happen all the time creates a lot of unnecessary anxiety. It’s stressful trying to deny what is.

http://www.illuminatedmind.net/2008/12/11/the-best-way-to-solve-a-problem-give-up/

I googled 'giving up', and i found the site above..he had some very good points!
All which helped me decide that i am just going to..

.....GIVE UP!!

I...

Give up trying to save people
Give up thinking i should be somewhere other than here
Give up trying to improve myself
Give up trying to plan my future
Give up putting on a strong front
Give up worrying about everything
Give up being the BeST at whatever i am trying to be the best at
Give up on trying to get a handle on my finances
Give up thinking my parents will change
Give up thinking my sister will change
Give up panicking over situations
Give up creating the situations that create panic
Give up being the "fixer"
Give up being the in between person
Give up trying to solve all my issues
Give up trying to be someone i am not
Give up to Mother Nature(fine i understand winter is going to happen, I don't win!)
Give up ---people will let you down..its not the end of the world!
Give up trying to be the organized one
Give up being the "mother"
Give up being the garbage disposal for other peoples emotions
Give up being the one "who understands"
Give up putting myself in other peoples' "shoes"
Give up trying to hold back tears
Give up fear
Give up anxiety
Give up having expectations
Give up trying to make things happen!

---
I JUST GIVE UP!!!

Ingrid Michaelson---
Giving Up

What if we stop having a ball?
What if the paint chips from the wall?
What if there's always cups in the sink?
What if I'm not what you think..I am?

What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you win?
Chase you with a rolling pin?
Well, what if I do?

Cause I am giving up, on making passes.
And I am giving up, on half empty glasses.
and I am giving up, on greener grasses.
I am giving up.

What if our baby comes in after nine?
What if your eyes close before mine?
What if you loose yourself sometimes?
and i'll be the one to find you, safe in my heart.

Cause I am giving up, on making passes.
and I am giving up, on half empty glasses.
and I am giving up, on greener grasses.

I am giving, cause I am giving,
I am giving and I am giving up.
I am giving and I am giving up on greener grasses.
I am giving up for you.
oh, I am giving up for you.
oh, I am giving up.

All I CAN DO is KEEP BREATHING!!! (also another good Ingrid michaelson song!)

Synopsis--
I am going to give up and just keep breathing!!!


Turn to Stone--Ingrid Michaelson

Let’s take a better look
Beyond a story book
And learn our souls are all we own
Before we turn to stone

Let’s go to sleep with clearer heads
And hearts to big to fit our beds
And maybe we won’t feel so alone
Before we turn to stone

CHORUS:
And if you wait for someone else’s hand
And you will surely fall down
And if you wait for someone else’s hand
You’ll fall
You’ll fall

I know that I am nothing new
There’s so much more than me and you
But brother how we must atone
Before we turn to stone
Brother how we must atone
Before we turn to stone
Before we turn to stone

who knows

do you ever feel like you are creating more stress than needed to function?
I wonder that all the time...Although i realized for the first time the other day..how much i use distraction to cope with life!
Our assignment for our body awareness class was to walk around outside, and when we felt we were getting distracted by something, we were to just refocus on energy within. It was to be a mindfulness walk.
First of all i swear i have an undiagnosed case of add..as you may have noticed from some of my posts:) So this exercise was going to be interesting. All 20+ of us starting walking throughout the park next to the school. The first distraction i had was that we all looked like zombies!ha I giggled to myself then did as the teacher had told us, and i refocused to my inner self. Little did i know that my inner self had a shit load of things to say! The moment i stopped distracting myself away from feeling any emotion, i started to cry and i felt like a scared 6yr little girl that was all alone!!
It was a horrible feeling!!
I was so thrown to the sudden onset of all the emotions--that I just basically shut down! ---
Plus the snow has started falling around here..and i don't do well with lack of sunshine...well i am going to go to bed i will continue later:)
hope all is well with everyone!

So here I am...

I would like to know how people stay happy, calm and optimistic..maybe just 60% of the time. Mine happens like a toaster that is short circuiting..in quick short bursts! (don't ask why a toaster..it was the first appliance that came to mind:)
I only get a sneak peek of a calm, peaceful and happy life before my mind quickly switches back to sadness and panic. ANd i never know when the bursts will happen, the other day it was when i took a drive out towards the mountains, yesterday it was when i got out of the shower-they are very unexpected.
I am sad that my boyfriend is not around(but i understand that is better that we are apart till we finish school--i just like his support around me) the panic comes from a lot of things.. starting school..even though i get a good feeling about going back it still scares me, since i haven't gone to school in fours years unless you count the last 2 years i was at 'preschool' ha!--i did learn my colors in spanish:)
The other panic is my pt job as a nanny for what i can only say is a great family so far! They have a 3 and 1 year old! So i usually worry each night before i nanny them...usless? Probably!

I also panic when I work myself up because i tell myself things i 'should' do, then get upset and disappointed in myself if i don't do them! Its a nasty cycle!
However according to my self esteem classes that i attended a few years ago, before i realized they cost $75(i guess i needed money more than self esteem..ha). anywho, she talked about "should" lists. That it is self defeating to use the word 'should' in your everyday life.
I should....
work out
eat healthier
spend more time with friends
save money
clean the house
If you really wanted to do those things you would!! So don't put them on your 'To do list' unless you honestly plan on doing them. I highly doubt there is a "To Do List" person that comes around to see your lists, to make sure you are doing the things you "should" be doing!

The only person that sees your list is YOU! so don't make yourself feel bad at the end of the day or week or month or year..if you don't do things you never truly wanted to do in the first place!!

If you wanted to work out, then you will do it with out looking at your to do list!
If you want to eat healthier, you will order the salad and water instead of the half pounder with double cheese and the big gulp of coke--without even thinking about it
If you want to spend more time with friends, you will.Maybe you just needed some time to yourself!!
Well the save money is a hard one..but if you really wanted to save money you could! You just have to decide whether money in savings is more important than a new panini press or dansko shoes(obviously in my case you could probably guess which was more important to me..haha)-ps the shoes are very comfortable and the press makes awesome sandwiches:)
And if the house really needs cleaning you will clean! I blame it on the anal side of my personality that thinks it 'should' look spotless...WHY? Who the hell knows!! i Live with 2 boys now..i need to reevaluate my standards:)
So from now on i am remembering not to use the word "should"! Cause really sentence sounds better...
A)"BILLY, DONT PUT THAT FORK IN THAT SOCKET!!!"
B)"Billy, you shouldn't put that fork in the socket."
Well actually it depends on his age...hmm.. if he is under the age of 18..then A. But if his is in his 30's, then well i guess he 'should' find out the hard way..!!

ANyways..there is a possibility that i just completely got off track..but i told myself just to type not to worry about the theme.Hopefully it made sense!!
As to things i might get done today...
laundry, cleaning, pay bills, paint my toenails..if some or all of these don't get done..not going to worry!!
ONE DAY AT A TIME!!
..wait isn't that the mantra for AA?!...
who cares..its a good one!!

To my handful of followers..take care and be easy on yourself. You only get one trip around this confusing world(unless you believe in reincarnation..well then you might get a couple more but i am referring to your current one:). So don't stress yourself out and stop trying to be a person that you really don't feel like being, theres no point!! So if you feel like hanging your laundry on your treadmill instead of using it and ordering a large stuffed crust pizza to eat by yourself while sitting in your pjs, then by all means girl..DO IT! and don't feel bad about it!(however i probably wouldn't recommend doing it every day. I mean i am just looking out for you:)

"There will only be one of you for all time; fearlessly be yourself!"--unknown

Goodbye!!

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you're trying to fly,
It's sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
starts with goodbye.

I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.

[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things ive loved
to get to the other side
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you're trying to fly,
It's sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye

Time, time heals,
The wounds that you feel,
Somehow, right now.

[Chorus:]

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you're trying to fly,
It's sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,

STARTS WITH GOODBYE!!

This song is how I feel about starting the new chapter of my life.
I am extremely sad about leaving the life I have made for myself in Bismarck and all my friends!! North Dakota has been good to me..except for the winters, they can kiss my ...blleeep!!

I have officially been accepted to massage therapy school in MT!! YAY However that last statement carries some scared shitless feelings also, it means letting go of a lifestyle i have had for the past 4 years. I am going to be a student again..which means no more frivolous shopping, (well i shouldn't have been doing that now:) however now i don't have the option. We all know I am already in debt..uggh...Anywho..I will be living with my cousin and his roommate; which will be nice cause its cheaper and it comes with a washer and dryer.:-)
However I have not lived with anyone in 5 years...eeekk.
NO more walking around naked...damn...!! ha
So there are going to be a lot of changes, I am going to be more dependent of my parents..once again I haven't relied on their help for like 5 years..i have enjoyed being independent! they are being great parents and supporters of my decision-they are paying for my cell phone, car insurance and health insurance!
They should really let you know how much it costs to be a grown up when you're younger..!!

So I my last day working with small children(for pay) will be the 31st, then i will be turning my apt to the new tennant on August 5th! Then I will be hitting up Long Island Tea night..to drown my sadness!!
Then travelling back to the Big Sky state on the 6th!!
AAHHHHHH!!! I just need time to stop for a few hours, so that I can breathe!! I waited and waited for my life to move and now I feel like I am going to throw up, its going so fast!

If any of you have any ideas on how to make this process less sad..let me know!!:-)

debt sucks big hairy balls!!

Pardon the very upfront post title!!BUt that is how I feel!

I am starting to wonder if i should go buy a map or a gps unit or sign up to find a travel buddy!

This whole travelling without a map is a tad bit stressful!

I had decided on going to school this fall! It was scary but I had finally made a decision..yea!

School would start in September, I was planning on moving to Bozeman in August to get a pt job, and move in before 12,000 college students move back. I had found out that I qualified for fin aid. $9500 of the $11,500 that the program costs. However since the program runs from Sept 2009 to Aug 2010, I'd fall into another financial aid year bracket '10-'11. So I could actually qualify for more aid! School would be M/W and friday morning. I would have T/Th off, so I could work FT on those days.

I called my mom to just let her know what was going on..maybe ask if they(my parents) would consider helping me out a bit. With living expenses and all, however I should have known she would burst my bubble!

Well this time was no different. She proceeded to tell me I should just wait for a year, save some money then try again next year. She has always been anti-debt! Which I suppose no one is PRO-debt..I certainly am not! I just am coming to terms that most people have debt and you just learn to deal with it.

however I did not realize..until after speaking to my dream crushing mother, how much in the hole i was...eek.

Well i calculated it and like Karyn in the book Save Karyn! I am in $20,000--eek. However $4,500 is school debt. So technically $15,500 is various credit cards and other debt. Oops!!

After i realized that, I broke down! I bawled for a good 30 mins, then made an 'adult' decision i would suck it up and put off my dreams till another day! It made me sick! I then proceeded to cry for another few hours..let's just say i was having a mini-mental break down.

I put away all my massage therapy info and stopped looking at apts/jobs online.

I will just work another year or couple years(as per debt) at another assistant job, making just above the poverty line, until I can afford school.

I called my boyfriend to tell him the bad news, I sounded like someone just crushed all my hopes for the future..not wait that did happen.

He told me that it will work out, that it will all be ok..of course I did not want to hear any of that. What I wanted to hear was, "congratulations, you just won $50,000!!" But obviously Publishers clearing house did not have my address.

So there I sat. My crushed dreams in one hand and $20,000 debt in the other!

What a great feeling! NOT!

after talking/crying to my sister--she tried to help me figure out a solution to my problem. She also mentioned that maybe this happened to see how bad I honestly want it.

I end up talking to my bf later that night on msg. I apologized for being so emotional earlier, and cutting the conversation short. He told me it was ok and he was sorry that I felt this way. and that he still loved me!

I asked if he loved me even with my debt...he responded with 'I would love you even if you were $20mil in debt, but $30mil would be pushing it!"

I'm not sure how I found such great guy!

On thursday-I met with my massage therapist/naturopath-She is such a great person!! After talking to her, I have decided to keep pursuing my dream! Even if i will be $30k in debt when I'm done.

I look at it this way, I am going to be 24 on sunday. My current job will be ending in August or sooner if need be, I did not get the other 2 jobs I applied for here, my awesome bf will still be in school till May 2011. So I figure, why not get it done now. I will be 25 when I graduate, and then I can start making money at something I love doing!

I'm afraid if I don't do it now, the opportunity will pass me by.

I don't have kids yet, I would be closer to family and only 2 hrs away from my bf instead of 6.

So with my renewed hope, I called my cousin who lives in Bozeman and asked if he knew anyone that was looking for a roomate. An idea I was once against, but now have sucked it up and decided I will live with someone, because it would be cheaper.

He actually told me that his roommate was actually thinking about transferring to another college, and in turn would be opening up a room in my cousins condo!!YEA

$325 is much cheaper than $575 a mth--

I also found a job as a receptionist at a vet clinic that needs help on Tues/Thurs..perfect!

I also bought the book Everything Happens for a Reason--to try and get some insight!!

I also posted some shoes and rollerblades to sell, to try and earn some extra cash!..I really am trying to make this work!

Wish me luck!!! I need all the luck/prayers/thoughts I can get!